Just Keepin' It Real

When I started this blog in March, I said that I was doing it to remember.  To remember the good, the bad, and even the ugly.  I didn't create this blog to paint my life all pretty.  Sure, I have lots of happy posts.  But some days just plain stink.  And unfortunately, yesterday was one of them.  And if I can be completely honest, this past week has not been good.  Nothing seems to be going right & I'm just plain tired.  Tired of the stress, the worry, the frustration & the overwhelming feelings that I have right now.

I'm worried about my sister, Rachael.  My mom texted yesterday morning to say she wasn't doing well.  She hadn't slept well, had a bad headache, was having contractions & anxiety.  They continue to have her on the magnesium drip, which probably doesn't help with all of these things that she is experiencing.  The good news is that her blood pressure & labs have been stable.  They are now worried about an underlying kidney issue that she may have had prior to pregnancy.  But of course they cannot do a full workup on her until after Baby Brown is born.  They are hoping she makes it to 34 weeks (she is only 31w2d right now).  I'm so scared for her, sad that she cannot experience the rest of her pregnancy like 'normal' people do, upset that she is 2 hours away & I cannot visit her regularly, and worried about the baby & most importantly, her health.

Marc & I are really disconnected right now.  Nobody says that a marriage is easy, and I totally agree!  It IS NOT!  Add in a stressful job that requires lots & lots of traveling, 2 young children, a mama trying to fulfill her 'needs' starting up a business and trying to be a successful business woman, on top of trying to handle all of the day to day things (housekeeping, cooking, paying bills, yard work, etc) = a couple not on the same page.  I don't feel like he appreciates everything that I do around the house and for the family, and he doesn't think that I appreciate all of the hard work & traveling that he does to make a living for our family.  All marriages have their peaks & valleys, and unfortunately we are in a valley at the moment.  We've been there before I know I know we'll climb back out in due time, but right now we are trying to find our way back to each other & get connected again. 

The girls have been AWFUL lately.  I'm not sure if they can sense my uneasiness at the moment, but they have been at their worst.  Kennedy has had a terrible attitude, talking back to Marc & I and screaming at her sister.  And Ashby has been so whiny lately.  I cannot tell you how many times a day, Kennedy screams at Ashby for taking a toy, she grabs it back from A, and then A comes crying & whining to me.  OMG, it drives me bonkers & I want to pull out my hair.  Of course, I raise my voice (which I am not proud of) way too many times in the day.  But they just don't listen to me.  I tell Marc that I feel like I am talking to two brick walls.  I literally will tell them to do (or not do something) and they do the complete opposite.  I then have to raise my voice & they eventually listen, but it shouldn't have to come to that!  And I apologize for yelling & we talk about sharing, how to talk nicely to each other, how important it is to listen to mommy & daddy, etc. etc. etc.  But not 5 minutes later the vicious cycle starts all over again.  Ugh, it is enough to drive me to drink!

I'm done. I've had enough.  I'm raising the white flag. 

I know that I have it MUCH better than a lot of people out there, and what I may be complaining about is nothing in comparison to many of your problems.  But in my little life right now, they are BIG problems & I am having a hard time dealing with it all.  So until the clouds part & the sun starts to shine again, I can only pray to God that He guides me through this tough time & gives me the guidance & strength to be a better wife, mother, & person.

And at the end of the day, as hard as it may be, I thank God for my amazing husband & two adorable little girls.  I really am thankful for all that I have been given.